My favorite hymn

I’m 98 percent certain that my favorite hymn of all time is “Where He Leads Me” by E.W. Blandy.

            It can be found listed as number 164 on a page of a dusty, green Broadman Hymnal. The song is simple; a mere four stanzas that only span the length of a half page.

            Yet, its refrain has always been the cry of my heart:  “Where He leads me, I will follow; Where He leads me, I will follow; Where He leads me, I will follow; I’ll go with Him, with Him all the way.”

            To me, this song has always had a deep, direct correlation to the mission field.

             Yes, if He leads me back to Mexico, I will follow. Yes, if He leads me to spend forever in Italy, I will follow. Yes, wherever into the nations He sends me, I will follow.

            Sounds simple enough, right? It was. Until recently.

            I will graduate college in one week…and the Lord isn’t leading me out of the country.

            No, not yet.

            Rather, He has a job prepared for me in Fayetteville, Ark.

            Yes, ARKANSAS.

            Three hours from my home and two and a half from my second home, the town where I’ve spent four years worth of university.

            I will be working at the Center for Missions Mobilization and will be directly working for a ministry called Campus Ministry Toolbox, where I will be helping its creator, John, create a comprehensive ministry resource for college leaders and student leaders literally around the world. I will be managing a blog, editing books, interviewing sources and writing, writing and more writing.

            If you know me well at all, then you know that this is the perfect job for me, as many of my friends have stated immediately after receiving the news.

            Yet, it is hard to follow Him to Fayetteville.  

            I love Mexico and Italy and my heart longs to go. So desperately. I have family and friend connections in those worlds and know exactly what to expect there.

            I have comfort in those places…but God does not call His people to comfort.

            I love Conway. My friends are here, even my best friend, who is originally from Missouri, is staying here after our graduation. My family is nearby and we are closer now than we have been in years. My boyfriend is here and I can unashamedly say that I love him and hope to marry him in the future. I have a wonderful church family here.

             Conway feels like home.

            I have comfort here…but yet again, I am reminded of Mark 8:34 where Jesus says to the crowd, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.”

            That is a command that I simply cannot ignore.

            So, if all goes well, I will be headed to Fayetteville in September or October.

            To the place where I have no church home, no friends, no family, no boyfriend. Nothing.

            I’d be lying if I said that my flesh didn’t want to stay here or that this will be an easy transition for me.

            But I have full assurance that I will find great things on the adventure that He has for me there and that Christ will be my stronghold, on the days that it seems that I have nothing else.

            Besides, I’ve told Him that where He leads me I will follow…and that All I Have is Christ.

The Valley

Man, a lot has happened since September 3.

This may sound like a duh statement, but my life has changed so much since September.
 In fact, a lot of changes have occurred in the past two months alone:

1. I am typing this post from an iPhone, my iPhone, as during this time I finally moved into the world of technology...No offense to my trusty LG Shine, but I kinda like this little iGadget more than I thought I would.

2. I've experienced the good, the bad and he ugly of shepherding a floor of college freshman as an RA.

3. I fulfilled my internship requirements and fell in love with a group of zany teenage girls.

4. I completed my first semester of my final year of college and obtained a 4.0 GPA.

Whew, so many changes.

Though its been fun, challenging and exciting, I'd be lying if I said that this time period of my life has been an easy one.

Actually, its been hard. Really, really hard.

I'm not really sure why I thought that being an RA, leading two small groups, discipling a student, being the co-editor-in-chief of the school newspaper and singing in the choir were all good ideas...on top of completing a 120 hr. internship and taking 13 credit hours.
Don't get me wrong, I have enjoyed each of those things and they are all good causes, but I have been busy. Entirely too busy.

Plus, I have been sick. Really sick. Headaches. Body aches. Fevers. Allergies. Infections. Nausea. Exhaustion.
You name the symptom and I've probably had it. One day I would feel great while the next day I would feel terrible. Lots of hours and lots of money have been spent at the clinic or on medications. Many more hours have been spent just lying in bed praying to feel better.
A week ago, I had blood work done to see whether or not I have Lupus or another auto-immune disease...and I will find-out the results of those tests in early January.

.........but the hardest part and the hardest thing to admit is that God and I haven't been on the best of terms...

I mean, I have seen His work in my life over these months and I know that He hasn't left, but our day-to-day relationship has been splotchy at best. Honestly, I've been a little mad at Him....which is definitely not justifiable because what the matter really boils down to is my lack of understanding.

I haven't understood why He had kept me sick for so long. After a few months it had stopped seeming like this is for my good as Romans 8:28 tells us.
I haven't understood why He would plant this desire in my heart to go back to Italy next year after graduation and then make me too sick to go.
I haven't understood why He has made it so hard just to do simple things like getting out of bed or maintaining joy.

But luckily, we had a long talk a few days ago....and He pretty much sucker-punched me in the gut.
You see, God asked me why I had given up the fight and what had happened to my armor.
Both of those were questions to which I didn't have good answers...

And since then, I have resolved for change. I have decided to keep fighting. Though, I don't understand His purposes, I trust the God of the universe more than I trust myself.
I have decided to take whichever cup he shall give me with joy. I've decided to make time for Him again, to purposely and intentionally fall back in love with my Savior.

I've decided to listen...to let go again...as it seems that letting go is a never-ending process
and to stop yelling.

A wise man, Oswald Chambers, once said that Christians love to live for the mountain-top experiences, those times where we see God clearly and hear Him perfectly. Times where loving Him is easy.

Yet, Chambers goes on to say that Christians weren't made to live on the mountain-top, but that we were made to live in the valley, a valley full of hardship, struggle, pain and lessons.

I don't know about you, but I need to learn how to live in the valley again.